What is it means to
be in a relationship? It's a loaded question really, a difficult one to answer,
in fact there is no such complete answer for this, and why is that? I think
it's because we're human, and as social being with complex mind and social interaction
we can perceive something differently, acquiring wisdom in different way as it
shapes by our decision in life and the experience we got through it. So the
answer will be vary, based on the human knowledge and perception of
relationship and their experience of it. But today I'm not trying to write why
it differ and explain to you many different perception toward relationship, I'm
writing here, to share what my opinion about it, and hopes it gives you all and
myself a better understanding of the bigger picture of life and love.
As one my friends
said to me in our previous discussion about this certain of thing, let just
say, her name is Ms. J, she is a strong proponent of those who believe
relationship is about sacrifice - and I should agree with her in this one. In
our discussion we agreed upon several things that should be the foundation of
every relationship, we believe that relationship should be based on the
principle of 'reciprocity' meaning that this relationship should benefited both
of the person in it, and here we are not talking about relationship in terms
only but in this included various kind of relationship such as friendship, and
partnership. When we are jumping into
the relationship we have to sure that the relationship will serve as a growing
stage for both of us, the healthy relationship should nurturing us into a
better, more mature and stronger person, not the other way around. Reciprocity
also means that this relationship should put both person in it on equal ground,
one is not subjected on the other, both has responsibility to be kept, and has
rights to be fulfilled. Relationship is about 'we' not about you, and not about
I, or in Ms. J language, relationship is about 'saling', to give each others
comfort, to make each other smile, laugh , and happy, and to keep each other
company to share in bad and good times, and to try the best they could to stay
away from falling into temptation and protect each other feeling. 'each other'
is really the key.
So now let's get
back to the relationship is a sacrifice point. I think one episode of the How I
meet your mother in season 1 catch this issue very good, one might remember
about the advise Lily gives to Robin about the relationship when Lily says,
"Robin, he really likes you, and he is trying very hard to show it to you,
unless you are starting to meet him halfway, you gonna lose him for sure."
this one scene was really hit me, and in fact in my opinion it is so true for
any kind relationship and in fact in the line with 'reciprocity' principle.
It's important for us to understand that going into a relationship doesn't make
our life easier and to be in relationship is not an easy task, there is battle
you need to fight on, there is a heart you need to won everyday, there is a
face that you need to put smile on. Relationship is never easy, there's a
freedom to let go, there's part of us to be left out, there is 'we' to form,
more about 'We' and less about 'I' and 'You'. Relationship is about commitment,
a submission of one heart to another. So when you see all above I think we're
agreed that relationship is not easy, it never was, and never will because it's
not about making your life easier, it about making your life more worth to
live.
Relationship
requires a tremendous commitment, and sacrifices, in one extreme premise, Ms. J
even believes that "Hierarchy" as essential part in her understanding
of relationship, in her opinion - which influenced a lot with Javanese and
Islamic values, women need to subject themselves to the man as her 'Imam' in
the family, which means when she is going into relationship she's ready to let
go a lot of her freedom, to protect the relationship, and to serve the purpose
of the relationship, by heavily leaning toward the wisdom and guidance of the
man, she put herself into supportive factor of the relationship, a women behind
the gun if you may, which the role is to do everything necessary to help the
man she loves achieves everything he set himself to , and to make him happy in
every way possible, and in her opinion eventually it will also led into her
happiness and family happiness. That way of thinking is the extreme way of
sacrificing in the relationship, but it is also one of the most romantic yet
cliché "my happiness lies in your happiness" kind of thing, and I
think it's sweet. but I've to disagree upon certain thing on the kind of
relationship I mentioned above, I think there should be no "hierarchy' on
relationship, as their no superiority on one upon another, because that way we
violate another principle of relationship, that is 'reciprocity' that put man
and women in equal terms.
I'm the kind of person who believes that everyone has
responsibility, both man and women, same thing goes in relationship, and that
means that each person is "Imam" for themselves. The difference is
the area of responsibilities, women may be the Imam when it comes to house and
parenting affairs, while men may put themselves as Imam when it comes to
rational choice regarding the money spending, or any other things that
requires, more rational consideration, but rest assured for me, doesn't matter
who is going to take the decision, discussion and communication should play
part in the decision making especially in the relationship, as both need to be
heard, and respected the opinion, and one should not be in complete
subordination of another, the very least is that both women and men should have
equal right to say their opinion upon the matters at hand, and to be considered
before making any decision that can affect the relationship. As both have the responsibility to ensure
each other happiness, to fulfill each other need, as relationship purpose is
not to create the situation in which half happy and half sad, but to ensure the
situation in which both the happiness and sadness will be shared together, the
purpose of the relationship is not to make the fight easier but to make it
worth, not to make sacrifice as a favor for the one you love but to present
sacrifice as a gift and a symbol of love.
Another case with
the concept of sacrifice in relationship might well be presented with the study
case of Ms. S and Mr. R. when both of these people committed into a
relationship, something has changed, and it is their behavior on how they
represent themselves to public and how the treat each others. The commitment
turns Ms. S to bring her inner feminism, to pour out the romantic side that she
rarely shows before, while for Mr. R as he's trying to catch up with Ms. S, put
himself into more civil manner, he changed the way he behave, and talk, even the
way he tweet, the questioned rises by the observer, should we try to be more
and more like our partner? Isn't relationship should working while we can still
be ourselves? Shouldn't we love our partner as how they are? When I am
observing Ms. S for quite a while, it turned out that she's one of those people
that naturally adapt into 'our' mode when it comes to relationship, when
individually she is an individual with big ego and ambition, it shown in her
various tweet, like when she tweeted, "Showing affection to people you
love in front of the people is the way to show that you're happy and proud to
be with them" , and another tweet, " Someone who is flirted by other
men/women while he/she is in relationship with other person, and not mentioned
that she/he already has a man/women to the one whom flirting to him/her is a
bitch'' , well those tweet comes from Ms.S whom known for enjoying mocking the
others who show public affection and enjoying to be flirted when she was
single. It supports others of my believe on the concept of relationship as
process of becoming 'we', and in that sense, I should say, contrary to what
people believes, relationship required people to change themselves, and change
is mandatory in every aspect of life, even in love.
Honji Milagro the
founder of relationship consultant Hitmen System once argued that argument of
'love me they way I'm' is outdated, and irrelevant often misleading. Mostly
used by someone who is lazy enough to compensate, or compromise, and selfish
enough to not get out of their comfort zone and meet their partner halfway. I
have emphasized this many times with my friends, as the Will Smith say, the
concept of "me or I'm' is a fluid concept, meaning that it can change
overtime, and it should change adapting to the needs of the current situation.
Human is given with the great ability to think, adjust and adapt depending on
the situation they are facing, they have ability to learn from mistake, and to
analyze problem with rational value and moral value, and deciding to act based
on the situation given. In short, I believe there is always a better 'me' , and
relationship requires us to become and change to that better 'me' over time. I
think no one in this world, who is in actual relationship that doesn't want to
change a thing in their relationship, everybody has something they wish to
change from their partner, as even my parents who has married for 22 years,
like my Mom wants my Dad to become less stubborn and more considerate to listen
to her to control his diet and eating his medicine, and my Dad wants my Mom, to
spend less on her shopping habits, and spending less time in front of Laptop.
The shortlist of something that we are willing to change from our partner
becomes shorter over times, as either our partner managed to change themselves
or we learned to live with those imperfection of our partner.
The point is, we
need to change to be better 'us' for our relationship to sustain, either by
changing our attitude and perspective upon the imperfection of our partner or by
changing how we behave, all of those are for the sake of 'our' happiness, and I
know we can do it. Most of the time, the changes required not those superficial
changes, you don't need to have a plastic surgery to become a better you, as it
only have a temporary effect, most of the time we need to fix is the way we are
thinking and behaving, this more fundamental in the process of merging
"I" and "You" into "Us' , and there's no instant
formula, no easy way, we need all the time, experience, patience and understanding
upon our partner, we need to know more about them as we live with them, knowing
what he/she likes, or not likes, how to response when he/she had, mad, to
understand what inside of her/his mind and heart without even need to ask.
Relationship is about putting less "I" and "You" and to put
more "Our", it is not about making I to becoming you, or trying to
make you to becoming I, it's about making a whole new "Us" , and I
think it's our responsibility to trying our best, to becoming the better and
the best of us for the ones we love, you don't have to become anybody else,
just become the best of you. As one of Mitchel said in the end of one episode
of Modern Family, that" Change is overrated, but we can completely who we
are, we can change maybe maximum 10% of who we are, but for the one we love,
that 10% is enough." "My
happiness lies in our happiness"
In the end I have to quote the Modern Gent tweet, 'Relationship
is like Bank, if you don's save something in there, don't expect to withdraw
something out" I know it is not easy, but for the ones we love, it's a
fight worth fighting for, I hope this post can reminds me and helps you to
become a better fighter.
Bara E. Brahmantika
"il Grande Statista"
See also my other new posts at:
- http://grandestatista.tumblr.com
- http:// onesunfamily.wordpress.com
