What It Means to Be in a Relationship ?

                What is it means to be in a relationship? It's a loaded question really, a difficult one to answer, in fact there is no such complete answer for this, and why is that? I think it's because we're human, and as social being with complex mind and social interaction we can perceive something differently, acquiring wisdom in different way as it shapes by our decision in life and the experience we got through it. So the answer will be vary, based on the human knowledge and perception of relationship and their experience of it. But today I'm not trying to write why it differ and explain to you many different perception toward relationship, I'm writing here, to share what my opinion about it, and hopes it gives you all and myself a better understanding of the bigger picture of life and love.

                 As one my friends said to me in our previous discussion about this certain of thing, let just say, her name is Ms. J, she is a strong proponent of those who believe relationship is about sacrifice - and I should agree with her in this one. In our discussion we agreed upon several things that should be the foundation of every relationship, we believe that relationship should be based on the principle of 'reciprocity' meaning that this relationship should benefited both of the person in it, and here we are not talking about relationship in terms only but in this included various kind of relationship such as friendship, and partnership.  When we are jumping into the relationship we have to sure that the relationship will serve as a growing stage for both of us, the healthy relationship should nurturing us into a better, more mature and stronger person, not the other way around. Reciprocity also means that this relationship should put both person in it on equal ground, one is not subjected on the other, both has responsibility to be kept, and has rights to be fulfilled. Relationship is about 'we' not about you, and not about I, or in Ms. J language, relationship is about 'saling', to give each others comfort, to make each other smile, laugh , and happy, and to keep each other company to share in bad and good times, and to try the best they could to stay away from falling into temptation and protect each other feeling. 'each other' is really the key.

                So now let's get back to the relationship is a sacrifice point. I think one episode of the How I meet your mother in season 1 catch this issue very good, one might remember about the advise Lily gives to Robin about the relationship when Lily says, "Robin, he really likes you, and he is trying very hard to show it to you, unless you are starting to meet him halfway, you gonna lose him for sure." this one scene was really hit me, and in fact in my opinion it is so true for any kind relationship and in fact in the line with 'reciprocity' principle. It's important for us to understand that going into a relationship doesn't make our life easier and to be in relationship is not an easy task, there is battle you need to fight on, there is a heart you need to won everyday, there is a face that you need to put smile on. Relationship is never easy, there's a freedom to let go, there's part of us to be left out, there is 'we' to form, more about 'We' and less about 'I' and 'You'. Relationship is about commitment, a submission of one heart to another. So when you see all above I think we're agreed that relationship is not easy, it never was, and never will because it's not about making your life easier, it about making your life more worth to live.

                 Relationship requires a tremendous commitment, and sacrifices, in one extreme premise, Ms. J even believes that "Hierarchy" as essential part in her understanding of relationship, in her opinion - which influenced a lot with Javanese and Islamic values, women need to subject themselves to the man as her 'Imam' in the family, which means when she is going into relationship she's ready to let go a lot of her freedom, to protect the relationship, and to serve the purpose of the relationship, by heavily leaning toward the wisdom and guidance of the man, she put herself into supportive factor of the relationship, a women behind the gun if you may, which the role is to do everything necessary to help the man she loves achieves everything he set himself to , and to make him happy in every way possible, and in her opinion eventually it will also led into her happiness and family happiness. That way of thinking is the extreme way of sacrificing in the relationship, but it is also one of the most romantic yet cliché "my happiness lies in your happiness" kind of thing, and I think it's sweet. but I've to disagree upon certain thing on the kind of relationship I mentioned above, I think there should be no "hierarchy' on relationship, as their no superiority on one upon another, because that way we violate another principle of relationship, that is 'reciprocity' that put man and women in equal terms. 

              I'm the kind of person who believes that everyone has responsibility, both man and women, same thing goes in relationship, and that means that each person is "Imam" for themselves. The difference is the area of responsibilities, women may be the Imam when it comes to house and parenting affairs, while men may put themselves as Imam when it comes to rational choice regarding the money spending, or any other things that requires, more rational consideration, but rest assured for me, doesn't matter who is going to take the decision, discussion and communication should play part in the decision making especially in the relationship, as both need to be heard, and respected the opinion, and one should not be in complete subordination of another, the very least is that both women and men should have equal right to say their opinion upon the matters at hand, and to be considered before making any decision that can affect the relationship.  As both have the responsibility to ensure each other happiness, to fulfill each other need, as relationship purpose is not to create the situation in which half happy and half sad, but to ensure the situation in which both the happiness and sadness will be shared together, the purpose of the relationship is not to make the fight easier but to make it worth, not to make sacrifice as a favor for the one you love but to present sacrifice as a gift and a symbol of love.

             Another case with the concept of sacrifice in relationship might well be presented with the study case of Ms. S and Mr. R. when both of these people committed into a relationship, something has changed, and it is their behavior on how they represent themselves to public and how the treat each others. The commitment turns Ms. S to bring her inner feminism, to pour out the romantic side that she rarely shows before, while for Mr. R as he's trying to catch up with Ms. S, put himself into more civil manner, he changed the way he behave, and talk, even the way he tweet, the questioned rises by the observer, should we try to be more and more like our partner? Isn't relationship should working while we can still be ourselves? Shouldn't we love our partner as how they are? When I am observing Ms. S for quite a while, it turned out that she's one of those people that naturally adapt into 'our' mode when it comes to relationship, when individually she is an individual with big ego and ambition, it shown in her various tweet, like when she tweeted, "Showing affection to people you love in front of the people is the way to show that you're happy and proud to be with them" , and another tweet, " Someone who is flirted by other men/women while he/she is in relationship with other person, and not mentioned that she/he already has a man/women to the one whom flirting to him/her is a bitch'' , well those tweet comes from Ms.S whom known for enjoying mocking the others who show public affection and enjoying to be flirted when she was single. It supports others of my believe on the concept of relationship as process of becoming 'we', and in that sense, I should say, contrary to what people believes, relationship required people to change themselves, and change is mandatory in every aspect of life, even in love.

            Honji Milagro the founder of relationship consultant Hitmen System once argued that argument of 'love me they way I'm' is outdated, and irrelevant often misleading. Mostly used by someone who is lazy enough to compensate, or compromise, and selfish enough to not get out of their comfort zone and meet their partner halfway. I have emphasized this many times with my friends, as the Will Smith say, the concept of "me or I'm' is a fluid concept, meaning that it can change overtime, and it should change adapting to the needs of the current situation. Human is given with the great ability to think, adjust and adapt depending on the situation they are facing, they have ability to learn from mistake, and to analyze problem with rational value and moral value, and deciding to act based on the situation given. In short, I believe there is always a better 'me' , and relationship requires us to become and change to that better 'me' over time. I think no one in this world, who is in actual relationship that doesn't want to change a thing in their relationship, everybody has something they wish to change from their partner, as even my parents who has married for 22 years, like my Mom wants my Dad to become less stubborn and more considerate to listen to her to control his diet and eating his medicine, and my Dad wants my Mom, to spend less on her shopping habits, and spending less time in front of Laptop. The shortlist of something that we are willing to change from our partner becomes shorter over times, as either our partner managed to change themselves or we learned to live with those imperfection of our partner. 

                 The point is, we need to change to be better 'us' for our relationship to sustain, either by changing our attitude and perspective upon the imperfection of our partner or by changing how we behave, all of those are for the sake of 'our' happiness, and I know we can do it. Most of the time, the changes required not those superficial changes, you don't need to have a plastic surgery to become a better you, as it only have a temporary effect, most of the time we need to fix is the way we are thinking and behaving, this more fundamental in the process of merging "I" and "You" into "Us' , and there's no instant formula, no easy way, we need all the time, experience, patience and understanding upon our partner, we need to know more about them as we live with them, knowing what he/she likes, or not likes, how to response when he/she had, mad, to understand what inside of her/his mind and heart without even need to ask. Relationship is about putting less "I" and "You" and to put more "Our", it is not about making I to becoming you, or trying to make you to becoming I, it's about making a whole new "Us" , and I think it's our responsibility to trying our best, to becoming the better and the best of us for the ones we love, you don't have to become anybody else, just become the best of you. As one of Mitchel said in the end of one episode of Modern Family, that" Change is overrated, but we can completely who we are, we can change maybe maximum 10% of who we are, but for the one we love, that 10% is enough."  "My happiness lies in our happiness"

                 In the end I have to quote the Modern Gent tweet, 'Relationship is like Bank, if you don's save something in there, don't expect to withdraw something out" I know it is not easy, but for the ones we love, it's a fight worth fighting for, I hope this post can reminds me and helps you to become a better fighter.

Bara E. Brahmantika

"il Grande Statista"

See also my other new posts at:

- http://grandestatista.tumblr.com

- http:// onesunfamily.wordpress.com 

Angels, Demons, and Humans

The Demon and Angel of the Human Heart

     Bagi orang yang belajar juga tentang pemikiran politik klasik, aku selalu dibingungkan dalam mencapai sebuah kesimpulan, bahkan pada konsep paling dasar sekalipun. perdebatan para pemikir klasik dari realisme dan lberalisme, dua pandangan paling tua, dan paling dasar dari aliran aliran pemikir politik tentang sifat dasar manusia tetap tak terselesaikan, pertanyaan yang sampai sekarang bahkan tidak terjawab, tentang apa yang dinamakan sifat dasar manusia, apakah manusia adalah setan yang memiliki sifat-sifat malaikat dalam dirinya, atau seorang malaikat yang memiliki setan-setan kecil dalam dirinya. apakah manusia pada dasarnya baik lalu menjadi jahat seiring waktu, atau memang secara naluriah seorang perusak yang lambat laun mampu belajar tentang kasih dan menahan diri dari pengerusakan berlebihan?

       Entahlah perdebatan ini panjang rasanya, dan tak cukup untuk ditanyakan pada satu dua orang saja, manusia itu memang kompleks, entah berapa lama telah dipelajari, berapa banyak yang sudah berusaha memeahami manusia, tapi tak kunjung semuanya mampu memunculkan sebuah formula ataupun asumsi dasar yang mampu menjawab semua perilaku manusia. Sepertinya manusia memang selalu tumbuh dan belajar sesuatu zamannya, terkontruksi oleh pengalaman dan ide-ide yang berkembang selama peradaban manusia, menjadikan manusia sebagai objek penelitian yang dinamis, yang mampu berpikir, dan berubah, secara cepat, bahkan saking cepatnya sampai pada tahap, dimana logika bisa saja kadaluarsa secara cepat, dan membuat rasio menjadi suatu hal yang kadang tak dapat diandalkan tuk memprediksi perilaku manusia selanjutnya. fenomena-fenomena lama dalam kemasan baru selalu muncul dalam kehidupan sosial politik dan ekonomi manusia, yang kadang memaksa asumsi-asumsi lama tehadap manusia untuk memensiunkan diri atau memperbarui dirinya.

       Manusia tidak akan pernah berhenti berkembang dan belajar, sehingga setiap orang yang berusaha memahami tentang manusia pun akan terus berada pada lingkaran penelitian dan pemahaman yang tak terputus tentang ilmu atas manusia yang tak akan pernah sampai pada sebuah titik akhir,kecuali saat peradaban manusia menghilang. Pencarian tentang siapa kita, apa tujuan kita hidup, dan akan kemana kita pergi akan selalu menjadi jawaban yang tak akan kita temukan secara utuh kecuali di akhir perjalanan nanti, dimana kita menemukan diri kita seutuhnya, entah itu sebagai malaikat yang jatuh bersama setan-setan kecil dalam dirinya, atau sebagai setan-setan yang bangkit kepermukaaan dengan sayap sayap malaikatnya. 

Bara E. Brahmantika "il Grande Statista"

more on: http://grandestatista.tumblr.com

Welcome to the Magic Worlds

Dua hari belakangan ini aku menyadari banyak hal, tentang diriku, tentang lingkungan disekitarku. Perjalanan dua hari ini membuat aku lebih mengenal diriku sendiri, bahwasanya memang dari dulu hingga kini, aku adalah tipikal manusia yang secara emosional terkait dengan alam, seperti seorang poet terkenal Robert Frost yang dianggap sebagai penulis puisi naturalist, aku pun sering mendapatkan inspirasi dengan bersentuhan dengan alam, bersentuhan dengan alam membuatku lebih dekat dengan diriku sendiri, ada kekuatan magis, kekuataan sihir yang dimiliki oleh tempat tempat tertentu, dan favoritku adalah gunung dan pantai.

Gunung adalah salah satu tempat yang paling sering ku kunjungi, dataran tinggi mempunyai effect sihir tersendiri yang kadang secara logika tidak bisa diungkapkan dengan kata, gunung yang tinggi menjulang keangkasa, sering menunjukkan kemegahan, kekokohan, dan ketenangan di balik semua kekuataan yang dimilikinya. Mendaki gunung memang tidak kulakukan sesering menyusuri pantai, namun gunung tetap menajdi pilihan favoritku apa bila memang memiliki kesempatan dan waktu luang untuk digunakan. Gunung seperti yang dirasakan oleh Morgan Freeman dalam filmya Bucket List memang memiliki bisikannya sendiri, bisikan hanya bisa didengar ketika kita memang berusaha untuk mendengar, Gunung itu memberikan semangat, gunung itu adalah dimana semua nya bermula, sumber kehidupan bernama air dan udara yang segar sering kali dimulai dari hijaunya dan rimbunnya hutan dipegunungan ini. Kalau pantai adalah tempat where everything ends, Gunung adalah tempat where everything starts. Disinilah kita menemukan semangat, disinilah kita menemukan spirit of fighting, tidak heran bahwasanya klo para pendaki gunung adalah para manusia yang bersemangat, tidak peduli seberapa tinggi gunungnya, ataupun seberapa lelah raganya, gunung selalu dapat memberikan kekuatan lebih untuk terus maju dan mendaki menuju puncak, disinilah tempat tertinggi, tempat dimana kita mendapat the power to fight.

Pantai memiliki karakteristik yang berbeda, Pantai adalah tempat dimana semuanya berakhir, ia tempat dimana semua perasaan berkumpul, setiap air yang terkumpul di lautan ini berasal dari daratan dimana kita tinggal, setiap sungai memiliki cerita yang berbeda, dan laut adalah tempat dimana semua nya terkumpul bersama. Lautan cerita dan perasaan itu menurutku memiliki keuatan magisnya sendiri, setiap deburan ombaknya memiliki bisikan nya sendiri, lautan luas dan garis cakrawala memberikan kita sebuah perasaan luas, perasaan luas dalam dada, sekaan akan laut siap untuk menerima setiap tumpahan yang kita berikan padanya. Tidak seperti gunung yang menyimpan kekuatan yang berpotensi destruktif, air lebih dikenal sebagai suatu element yang memiliki potensi kekuatan yang menyembuhkan, menurutku pantai memiliki kekuataan itu, kekuataan untuk menyembuhkan segala luka, bahkan luka di dalam dada. Ketika gunung memberikan kita kekuataan to fight, pantai dan laut memberikan kita kekuatan to let go. Disinilah kita belajar untuk melepaskan, melepaskan semua beban tuk dibawa gulungan ombak kelautan dalam, melepaskan semua beban tuk bersatu dengan semua cerita yang terkumpul di lautan, disinilah laut memberikan kita pelajaran untuk ikhlas, pelajaran untuk merelakan sesuatu yang memang tidak bisa kita miliki. Laut adalah sumber power to let go.

Lihat Juga; http://grandestatista.tumblr.com/

The Moment that Change My Life

Last night, I just wrote something, in which titled "The Four Seasons if Love" in my Tumblr blog, as I posted my piece of work, many maybe wonder, where the heck I came up with the conclusion or perhaps they start to wonder where did my inspiration come from?

It begins in 2005, I was a junior, a second grader in the Middle School, that was when, love taught me a lesson, in which I have to learn it the hard way. It was my first time to have a complicated relationships with girls. I met this girl, we were just friend at first, I tried to get her know my friend, and she tried to get me to know her friend, in simple words, we were match maker. But as I get in touch with her so often, instead having a feeling for her friends, maybe his is what in Javanese principle we know as "witing tresno jalaran soko kulino". I started to have a feeling for her, that is when the wind of Spring, the spring of love came into my life, text after text, conversation after conversation, email by email, and after a long call in almost every night, then i said to my self, "this is it, this is the love of my life", since then I always wait for her text, and her call. Every morning I always looking to a mirror to make sure that I look sharp, I try my best to impress her in anyway I possibly could. Then here comes the next season.

Ied Fitr in 2005, This was where the summer begin, I was back at my grandma house, in Banyuwangi, my feeling for her was getting stronger and stronger, to the point I couldn't hide it anymore, I consulted to my friend about my feeling, and my craziness about her, and I asked my friend to find out whether she has the same feeling about me or not, then my friend promised to help me to find a way to tell her my feeling. Once time, I accidentally send a text message to her, I supposed to send it to my friend, but instead I sent it to her. It confused her a lot, in fact it anger her a bit, so I pulled my self together, and told her that I think I'm fall in love with her, she didn't reply my text till the next day, and that one day is one of longest day in life. The Wind of Summer of Love came, she replied my text and she said that she felt the same way (or she just wanted to give me chance since she felt sorry for me - I don't know), her text sent me away to the sky on that day, that was one of the happiest day of my life, it felt like you hit a jackpot on the slot machine. since then my life is full of the blossom flower, love is everywhere, I texted her every hours, I always want to know how is she doing, what is she doing, or just want to say "have a good nap/night my sweetie bunny" or simply say . "I love you" (Love has pretty shallow definition for me back then back then no night without an hour call, when I can't call I text her or email her every moment I could. The world was a beautiful place for me, everywhere was beautiful, and everybody was kind, I lost in the madness of love, everywhere I saw her face, I heard her voice, I was insane to the moment I forgot everything, except her. it was a great life until that day came, the day, every secrets reveal itself, the day that strong wind, that strong storm, shaking the tree of love, blowing all the leaves, leaving a dry, dying tree, alone, in the Autumn of Love

That day was just a few months later, 5 or 6 months after the start of that bombastic relationships, Ied Al-Adha - The day of sacrifice, where every moslem, sacrifice a goat, camel, or a cow as an obligation, not to serve God, but to serve the other, this day is the turning point of my love story, the anti climax of my life, I got a phone call from my friends, which was a really long phone call, it was more like a consultation session with a CIA agent, they told me fact by fact about my relationship with her, how much a change since then, how much it affect my personality, how I forget about my academic life, how I forget about my friends, and just how many people hurt by me and all the ugly truth about the relationships, which if I go to the detail, it will take me an hour to explain that. In short this relationships between the downtown man (me) and the uptown girl (her) need to answer several question, "Is this relationship real?", "Do I really love her?" "Does she really love me?" "Is this merely a game for both of us?" "Is this love? or just an obsession of mine?" "Do I have to hurt somebody else to love somebody?" , It was not easy for me to answer all of those question, neither I can answer all of them, since some question only she can answer. So just a few days after, we decided to end the relationship, to give us sometime, to follow our own path of to answer , it was painful for me, I was sick or perhaps ill so bad for few days, there still some part of me that missing, and the pain, the pain that I felt was so great, it was painful, yet it was beautiful, the pleasure pain of love. The Autumn of Love, the fallen of the dreams, that brings me into the desperado, to the abyss of my life, to the loneliness, to the deep dark road of the adventure, to find the answer of my life.

Since then, it was an uphill for me, the first few months was a really cold, and lonely life to enjoy, the solitude, the silent, and the nothingness, made me feel that I'm the only one that real in this world, Cuz I'm the only one that can feel the pain, It was when I feel "I feel pain, therefore I am" , everybody seems don't understand, I have to fake a smile just to make them not worry about me anymore, it was not easy to erase some memories, in fact I am still holding into some of that memories, but as the time goes on, as the time heal every wound, I was starting to enjoy this solitude, in fact I'm still enjoying it now, time by time I'm realized that in solitude you can know yourself better, you can hear the voice of yourself without have to worry about other thing else, to listen on what the nature, the God tries to say to me, it is easier to find the answer without all other noises that disturbing you, in solitude you find yourself, and it is a big chance in solitude you find the God, this Winter of love has taught me a lot of things that changed the orbit of my life, to laugh at every bad thing in the past, to let the burden slide on my shoulder, in the winter of solitude, in the winter of Love.

Ps: I hope every of you who are in this story to forgive every mistake that I made in the past, and I hope you find your own way of live, and your own meaning of love. I wish you have a great live

Bara E. Brahmantika