Last night, I just wrote something, in which titled "The Four Seasons if Love" in my Tumblr blog, as I posted my piece of work, many maybe wonder, where the heck I came up with the conclusion or perhaps they start to wonder where did my inspiration come from?
It begins in 2005, I was a junior, a second grader in the Middle School, that was when, love taught me a lesson, in which I have to learn it the hard way. It was my first time to have a complicated relationships with girls. I met this girl, we were just friend at first, I tried to get her know my friend, and she tried to get me to know her friend, in simple words, we were match maker. But as I get in touch with her so often, instead having a feeling for her friends, maybe his is what in Javanese principle we know as "witing tresno jalaran soko kulino". I started to have a feeling for her, that is when the wind of Spring, the spring of love came into my life, text after text, conversation after conversation, email by email, and after a long call in almost every night, then i said to my self, "this is it, this is the love of my life", since then I always wait for her text, and her call. Every morning I always looking to a mirror to make sure that I look sharp, I try my best to impress her in anyway I possibly could. Then here comes the next season.
Ied Fitr in 2005, This was where the summer begin, I was back at my grandma house, in Banyuwangi, my feeling for her was getting stronger and stronger, to the point I couldn't hide it anymore, I consulted to my friend about my feeling, and my craziness about her, and I asked my friend to find out whether she has the same feeling about me or not, then my friend promised to help me to find a way to tell her my feeling. Once time, I accidentally send a text message to her, I supposed to send it to my friend, but instead I sent it to her. It confused her a lot, in fact it anger her a bit, so I pulled my self together, and told her that I think I'm fall in love with her, she didn't reply my text till the next day, and that one day is one of longest day in life. The Wind of Summer of Love came, she replied my text and she said that she felt the same way (or she just wanted to give me chance since she felt sorry for me - I don't know), her text sent me away to the sky on that day, that was one of the happiest day of my life, it felt like you hit a jackpot on the slot machine. since then my life is full of the blossom flower, love is everywhere, I texted her every hours, I always want to know how is she doing, what is she doing, or just want to say "have a good nap/night my sweetie bunny" or simply say . "I love you" (Love has pretty shallow definition for me back then back then no night without an hour call, when I can't call I text her or email her every moment I could. The world was a beautiful place for me, everywhere was beautiful, and everybody was kind, I lost in the madness of love, everywhere I saw her face, I heard her voice, I was insane to the moment I forgot everything, except her. it was a great life until that day came, the day, every secrets reveal itself, the day that strong wind, that strong storm, shaking the tree of love, blowing all the leaves, leaving a dry, dying tree, alone, in the Autumn of Love
That day was just a few months later, 5 or 6 months after the start of that bombastic relationships, Ied Al-Adha - The day of sacrifice, where every moslem, sacrifice a goat, camel, or a cow as an obligation, not to serve God, but to serve the other, this day is the turning point of my love story, the anti climax of my life, I got a phone call from my friends, which was a really long phone call, it was more like a consultation session with a CIA agent, they told me fact by fact about my relationship with her, how much a change since then, how much it affect my personality, how I forget about my academic life, how I forget about my friends, and just how many people hurt by me and all the ugly truth about the relationships, which if I go to the detail, it will take me an hour to explain that. In short this relationships between the downtown man (me) and the uptown girl (her) need to answer several question, "Is this relationship real?", "Do I really love her?" "Does she really love me?" "Is this merely a game for both of us?" "Is this love? or just an obsession of mine?" "Do I have to hurt somebody else to love somebody?" , It was not easy for me to answer all of those question, neither I can answer all of them, since some question only she can answer. So just a few days after, we decided to end the relationship, to give us sometime, to follow our own path of to answer , it was painful for me, I was sick or perhaps ill so bad for few days, there still some part of me that missing, and the pain, the pain that I felt was so great, it was painful, yet it was beautiful, the pleasure pain of love. The Autumn of Love, the fallen of the dreams, that brings me into the desperado, to the abyss of my life, to the loneliness, to the deep dark road of the adventure, to find the answer of my life.
Since then, it was an uphill for me, the first few months was a really cold, and lonely life to enjoy, the solitude, the silent, and the nothingness, made me feel that I'm the only one that real in this world, Cuz I'm the only one that can feel the pain, It was when I feel "I feel pain, therefore I am" , everybody seems don't understand, I have to fake a smile just to make them not worry about me anymore, it was not easy to erase some memories, in fact I am still holding into some of that memories, but as the time goes on, as the time heal every wound, I was starting to enjoy this solitude, in fact I'm still enjoying it now, time by time I'm realized that in solitude you can know yourself better, you can hear the voice of yourself without have to worry about other thing else, to listen on what the nature, the God tries to say to me, it is easier to find the answer without all other noises that disturbing you, in solitude you find yourself, and it is a big chance in solitude you find the God, this Winter of love has taught me a lot of things that changed the orbit of my life, to laugh at every bad thing in the past, to let the burden slide on my shoulder, in the winter of solitude, in the winter of Love.
Ps: I hope every of you who are in this story to forgive every mistake that I made in the past, and I hope you find your own way of live, and your own meaning of love. I wish you have a great live
Bara E. Brahmantika
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